*aggressively waits in line*
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is frankincense just very honest incense?
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.