[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
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priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.