Candid photo of me, eating chips.
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At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy