what is cheese if not milk persevering
You Might Also Like
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.