DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN