The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
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The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
meow
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.