I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
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microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.