[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
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GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Breaking news:
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔