Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
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I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Taliband
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim