To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
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somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.