If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
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There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning