Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
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if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”