Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
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Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Worlds greatest photobomb
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo