I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.