Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
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When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?