An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
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I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Spring cleaning checklist…
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.