My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
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I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying