There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
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Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂