things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
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The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Knock Knock
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it