Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
You Might Also Like
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I am patiently waiting for your email
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.