“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
People buying plungers never look happy.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.