Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
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Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me trying to look natural in photos