I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
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My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Challenge accepted.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
#Caturday
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I occasionally drink every single night.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.