Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
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Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother