Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
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I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!