My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
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My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?