Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
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Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]