What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
the answer was staring at me all along
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)