Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
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million dollar idea: worm dehorser
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Not today.. 😂
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.