It’s the weekend y’all
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Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.