The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
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The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
FINE, I WON’T.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.