I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
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If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Put a ring on it
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Who knew!
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table