Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
You Might Also Like
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.