Feels like the fourth month in January
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asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.