Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
You Might Also Like
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
how was your vacation
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.