Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
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Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I can’t be the only one 😂
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Note to self: I am a note
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone