My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
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Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere