“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
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Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??