I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
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I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Happy thanksgiving!
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
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