*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
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If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
December birthdays be like…
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Hey I worked for it too!
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.