Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Duck typos.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee