Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
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Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?