Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
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Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Yup.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.