Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
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Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
drew a comic about my origin story
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet