Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
You Might Also Like
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
dam girl
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.