ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
You Might Also Like
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
worst…sale…ever
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.