What if all the cashiers are married?
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
We all have our pet causes.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?