[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
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[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH