Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
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You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
This is amazing.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
That’s enough internet for the day