if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
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Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Story of my life…..
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
who’s ready for the long weeknd?